I remember to this the day the whirl wind of finding out that we were pregnant. We weren’t planning on it because Tom just got back from his first deployment and we hadn’t had much time together just us. I also was told that It would be very difficult for me to even have children.
You see I have been on very heavy doses of medication for many years because of my Arthritis. I was told because I was on it for so long from age 2-14 that it could have possibly given me issues reproductive wise (I’ll discuss my RA journey later}. I also was currently on a horrible medication at the time for my RA, I thought, NO WAY! So to our surprise we got pregnant!
We did all the right things when we found out. We scheduled our first appointment and got to see our little peanut. The weeks went past and I was planning all the things I would do. We had our second appointment and went in to see the little peanut again. The tech couldn’t find the heart beat but they said not to worry because of the location. Another week went by and the worse possible nightmare occurred.
Tom was on duty for 24hrs on base and I was home alone. I woke up from a nap with heavy spotting. I called Tom but he couldn’t leave duty, so I called a friend to take me to the hospital. Now California ER’s are the WORST! They have no concept of time. I waited for 3 hrs in that waiting room, crying, and bleeding all by myself. I knew the worse had happened but they didn’t care, I just wanted to make sure. Tom finally go some time off, they gave him 2 hrs, so generous USMC. We finally were seen and were told the news. If you could think of the worst bed side manor, that is what I went through. No compassion, no I am sorry for your loss, just this happens all the time you can go home. I waited for 4+ hours to be told “yup your pregnancy is terminated, this happens all the time, and you are being released to go home.”
So that’s what I did, I went home. Tom had to go back to base, I stayed home, and literally gave birth to my child that I could never hold. It was a long 12 painful hours but I finally passed what needed to be passed. But what was worse was that I could feel everything drawn out for over a month. Shedding all the things that my body was trying to get rid of.
Tom and I were hurt but we grew closer during this time. It was the scariest thing as a married couple to go through. Even worse that flying bombs in Iraq and broken phone calls. This hurt my confidence as a woman and a wife. It was hard to bounce back physically and mentally. I have always struggled with body issues, ever girl does. But this topped the cake and I felt unworthy. While Tom was deployed I worked out so hard and lost tons of weight. I was healthy, loving life, and was getting a rocking bod! After this whole ordeal I was so upset that my body let me down. This restarted the viscous cycle of self love. I will do another post on when my mind finally made the switch, but that’s a post for another day.
I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive husband, he has never once made me feel broken. He himself has his own demons of that day. But we got through it together. Wow its crazy as I type this all out. I cant believe that it was almost 10 years ago that this happened, but I remember it like yesterday. It took a long time to heal but God blessed us with 2 more beautiful children, and we are happy.